It’s Okay (to not be okay)

I’m struggling- recovery is hard work. I knew that going into treatment. I knew that heading out of treatment and into the world of recovery without the safety of hospital. But- the ed voice has once again gotten louder, and I’m not doing  well at fighting back. I’ve decided that it’s easier to just give in and stay slightly disordered but “not as bad as I used to be” which the healthy part of me knows is totally ridiculous. It’s not sustainable and it’s dangerous. I’m still continuing to attend appts but am tempted to stop attending because what’s the point of going if I’m not going to follow their advice?

People always say it’s okay to not be okay, and right now that’s where I’m at. I’m trying to give myself grace and be honest about where I’m at. I still want to recover- I do. But- it’s hard. So today I’m going to let myself be not okay- and tomorrow I’ll start again. Bite by bite, minute by minute, day by day. I may not be able to say that I’m okay today, but I will someday.

Good Enough?

Am I good enough? Will I ever be? 

Am I too much? Will I be free? 

Am I worth it? Is there more for me? 

Am I good enough? Will I ever be? 

Am I good enough to what? To live, to breathe, to talk, to walk? 

Am I too much? Too much space? Too much work?

Am I worth it? Worth finding out if there’s for me? Worth pursuing recovery? 

Am I good enough? Will I ever be? 

Am I more than? More than the lies say I am? 

Can I be whole again? Or will I always feel less than? 

Can I question? Question if there’s a God who truly loves?

Can I believe Him, when He tells me He’s enough? 

I am not good enough.  Not good enough to deserve His love and grace. 

I am not too much, I don’t take up too much space. 

I will be free, I will be free to be who I’m made to be. 

I am worth it, because God send his son to die for me. 

I am not good enough, but I don’t have to be. 

I am good enough, to live, to breathe, to walk, and talk. 

I take up my space, and that doesn’t decrease my worth. 

I am worth it, worth pursuing the life God has for me. 

I don’t measure up, but Gods grace is enough. 

I am more. More than my mistakes, more than wrong choices made, more than the scars, more than the bruises that remain in my heart. 

I can’t make myself become whole, but God can come and God can restore. 

I can question, that is how faith grows. When I can’t find the answer, I ask someone who knows. 

I can believe Him when He says that He’s enough- He’s a God of truth and love. 

Am I enough? No. But He is enough for me. 

It’s hard work

Everyone tells me this about ed recovery- “it’s hard work- you have to make the choice to do that work”.

I know this, but I find myself missing the hospital- because even though I didn’t want to be there- i really didn’t have to put in a whole lot of effort. My meals were made for me, and served to me- if I didn’t finish I got boost (which is awful, but sometimes easier than choking down hospital food), and that was that. You either did what you were supposed to do, or you got consequences.

Out in the “real world” there’s no one there 24 hours of the day to check in on how you’re feeling, or to give you your meals or make you drink boost if you don’t eat your meal. It’s all up to me- and I don’t have the motivation to do the work! That’s sounds really lazy- I know that. But that’s where I’m at right now. I seem perfectly ok with just having coffee until dinner time and then having a semblance of a meal then.  It’s not good and I know that but I don’t know how to change it!!!

this is a really scattered post and I’m fairly sure nobody cares- but if anyone has any advice, on how to have more motivation to make positive recovery choices- please let me know!!!

 

A Million Little Choices

I was telling someone the other day about where I’m at in recovery. I was feeling discouraged and not really wanting to keep pressing forward.
This friend told me something that stuck with me though. She said “Think about where you want to go in your life. And now, think about where you’re heading- is it the same place?” My answer was “probably not..” (translation: Absolutely not)

She asked me to visualize where I want to be and what I want to be doing in a few years- I want to be married, having kids, or traveling, or doing something exciting and meaningful with my life.  Then she told me to imagine that there are two paths to choose from- one will lead me to where I want to be in a few years, and one will keep me where I am at, or lead to be worse off than I am now. 

Then she said “There are a million little decisions that everyone has to make every day, some that most people don’t even think about, like eating breakfast, getting dressed, etc”
“But-” she said “You have those everyday little choices, PLUS choices that you need to think about more than most people. You need to think about whether eating breakfast will take you down the path that you want to be on, or make you continue down the path that you are on now. You need to think about whether self harming will take you down the path you want to be on, or make you continue on the path you’re now. You need to think about whether purging your meal will lead you down the path you want to be on, or keep you on the path you’re on now. ”
And so on.. It got me thinking and made me realize that the reason recovery is so much work is probably because we are exhausted with all the millions of tiny choices we have to make every single day, sometimes it feels like there’s a million tiny choices to make in a hour!!
So- take it an hour at a time, make the choice that will lead you down the path you want to go. You might make a wrong one, once in a while, but- seeing as there’s a million of choices to make, you know there’s always another chance to make the right one.

I have to keep believing that it’s worth it. You should too. ❤

Motivation for Recovery

Lately it feels like my motivation has completely gone down the drain. I’ve fallen back into thinking almost constantly about my weight and how I look. I’ve skimped on meals, and skipped meals. I’ve used behaviours more than once in a day two days in a row. I am tired and dizzy and grumpy a lot, and I find myself thinking “what’s the point in continuing in recovery?”
But- what I just wrote? That IS the motivation for recovery! It’s miserable feeling all of those things and I know that I have the power to change that. If I commit myself to recovery, and working hard at it, all of those things will lessen. I know, because I’ve experienced it before. That doesn’t make it easier to want to do the work, but it makes it make sense, because I know what the outcome will be once I do the work. I’ll be happier, i’ll have more energy, my body will stabilize itself medically, and I’ll be okay.
So- as weird as it sounds, maybe my motivation for recovery is realizing what my lack of motivation for recovery does to me.

Thoughts?

My New New Years Resolutions

In the past the eating disorder has controlled all of my decisions and actions. Including my New Years resolutions-   Now that I’m working towards recovery its going to look a little different this year.

I’m taking control back from my eating disorder and deciding my New Years resolutions based on what I want.

Here they are:

1. I resolve to keep up with my recovery, and attend all of my appts.

2. I resolve to start a gratefulness journal and journal in it at least once a week.

3. I resolve to work on my social anxiety and put myself out there by going to the young adults group at church once a month.

4. I resolve to be honest with my team and my family, and friends.

5. I resolve to deepen my relationship with Jesus and work on letting Him take control.

What are your New Years resolutions?

Live loved

Eating disorder:

Its looking at your reflection in the mirror in disgust, and desperately wishing you could change your body to measure up to some twisted definition of beauty. Its working so hard to keep that voice in your head satisfied, the voice that tells you if you listen to its endless demands, that you might eventually be worth something. Its trying to make people believe that you’re doing fine, when all you’re really doing is planning your next lie. It’s hating birthdays and Christmas and thanksgiving and Easter because all they seem to revolve around is food. It’s declining invitations to go out with friends and family because you’re scared about what you’ll eat. It’s having a constant calculator in your head adding up the calories of what you’ve eaten and a voice telling you how many more you’re allowed to have. It’s exercising in your room past midnight, hoping that somehow that’ll make you feel better about yourself. It’s anger at family and friends for trying to help. It’s being so exhausted from the war in your head that you stay in bed for days. It’s isolating yourself from friends because your time is consumed with the eating disorder.

It’s tears and frustration and sadness- every single day. It is striving to be empty but not seeing or believing that by trying to live on an empty stomach, you’re actually dying, and emptying your life of happiness. It’s living life unloved, and feeling unworthy of anything else.

Recovery:

It’s tears and frustration. It’s dietician appts and drs appts and counseling appts. It’s feeling like your whole day every day is consumed by planning preparing and eating meals. It’s fighting back at the voice that still tries to control your life. It’s getting rid of old clothes you wore before you started recovery. It’s learning to let go of the control you thought you had. It’s hard work.

But it’s also, glimpses of hope. It’s rebuilding friendships. It’s enjoying Christmas and your birthday and thanksgiving a little bit more than previous years. It’s looking forward to what’s next instead of dreading it. It’s eating when you’re hungry and stopping when you’re full. It’s relearning that life is more than counting calories. It’s learning and relearning that you’re worth the work it takes to become healthy again. It’s believing that recovery is possible.

Being empty and small isn’t something to strive for.

We deserve to live. The eating disorder deserves to die.

You only have one life. Live loved.