I’m struggling- recovery is hard work. I knew that going into treatment. I knew that heading out of treatment and into the world of recovery without the safety of hospital. But- the ed voice has once again gotten louder, and I’m not doing well at fighting back. I’ve decided that it’s easier to just give in and stay slightly disordered but “not as bad as I used to be” which the healthy part of me knows is totally ridiculous. It’s not sustainable and it’s dangerous. I’m still continuing to attend appts but am tempted to stop attending because what’s the point of going if I’m not going to follow their advice?
People always say it’s okay to not be okay, and right now that’s where I’m at. I’m trying to give myself grace and be honest about where I’m at. I still want to recover- I do. But- it’s hard. So today I’m going to let myself be not okay- and tomorrow I’ll start again. Bite by bite, minute by minute, day by day. I may not be able to say that I’m okay today, but I will someday.